Written by: Nadrah
Losing someone or something so dear to you, is already a heavy experience to digest and process.
It might not necessarily be a physical loss, but a door permanently shut in your being.
Or a loss of a figure that you’re so used to obliging to without realizing, and he/she isn’t there anymore to ‘navigate’ your life. Like a voice that is always over you; to tell you what is right and wrong, to head left or right, or to jump or swim.
A figure that controls your life and being, a manipulative relationship.
And as you move forward in life, it doesn’t feel like you are moving anymore; but merely floating through mindlessly most of the time unsure of what you are doing.
And you didn’t realize it then, perhaps not even now.
It takes many relationships, different jobs, umpteenth cups of coffee, and stagnant creative processes for you to realize; that what you are really grieving for is the you that you don’t even know anymore.
The loss of yourself.
Those moments in the past that you know you have achieved something, but you can’t power through, because you feel like you are not capable of achieving anymore. You feel like you can’t deliver, it remains a one-hit wonder. You doubt yourself; how so many feel who have been in an abusive situation.
Especially after a long, weary relational tie with whom is dominant in that relationship. A little too dominant and controlling to the point where you are not heard. Your sense of self diminishes by the day trying to fulfil what the other person thinks is good for you; and keeping up with their standards that they have set for you.
And their main bullet? Was/is your very being.
Your biggest crime was being you.
Look in the mirror, and really, really look at yourself.
Think about the person you were many years before you encountered this toxic and abusive relationship; and the person you have become today.
Perhaps you were ready then, but you have grown to know that there will be some circumstances that you are not willing to risk.
Maybe you were more vibrant before, but the constant negativity thrown at you is too much for your free-spirited self.
Your confidence and self-esteem slowly being corroded by a crime that you did not commit.
Take a breather and pause.
Stop beating yourself up for something you have not done. Stop feeling the need to explain yourself every single time.
Whatever that you are going to strive for; you will hear negative snarls echoing and lingering in your head making you doubt yourself every day. A result from the toxic relationship you have been caught up in.
You are going to pause and recognize that negative snarls are not yours; but a mere figment in your head from your wild past that you will soon outgrow.
A remembrance, memento of your resilient self; on how you are going to bounce back from that drowning phase of your life and regain your spirited self.
These figments and toxic phases will always be a part of your life. And this in its self is growth; an inner developmental stage for your authentic self.
Credit yourself, that you are brave enough to recognize this situation, power through it and fight back for what is yours.
That you, are strong on the inside.
And soon, when you encounter a similar situation, you will not falter because you are equipped.
Love and Light,