Written by: Chereen
August 27, 2015
When you know, you know. Even if it isn’t something you necessarily want to know.
“Cancer,” I said knowingly.
“Yes,” she confirmed.
I had spent the last few weeks waiting for her test results by considering worst case scenarios. I knew that my paranoia would be confirmed the moment I read more about the purpose for a biopsy.
So instead, I slept a little and stared at my phone a lot. I needed time to pass more quickly.
Repeatedly, I googled “Does cancer mean death?” “What is the survival rate of cancer?” “How many types of cancer are there?”
Unfortunately, none of these searches made the situation better.
I decided to let go and force myself to be present. I kept thinking to myself that she was okay right now, and that was what mattered. And these thoughts that I had were simply concocted by me, and she could be absolutely fine.
That was it, my instinct was paranoid thinking, brought on by too much reading and negativity. But I couldn’t help it, it had only been ten months since my dad passed away. I hoped for the best, but expected the worse. It was a protective method to guard myself from getting hurt. Even though, hurt was inevitable since the wound was slowly healing.
“It’s okay to cry, but I’m about to hand her the phone. You have to be strong for her. That’s what she needs right now. She needs your support.”
I sighed and released the deepest breath. It was one that I had been holding since she took the test.
“Okay, I can do this. Hand her the phone.”
“Alright, you’re a therapist. Don’t forget that. You can do this.”
I took another deep breath and wondered if I could really do this. God does not burden a soul more than it can handle, and I was not sure I could handle losing her.
I put the phone closer to my ear, and stayed silent for a moment. I needed to be composed for her sake. My voice was shaky, but I knew I had to speak.
“Hi Mama, I love you…”