Q+A: Bereavement + Grief

Written by: Chereen

Dear Chereen,

I have followed you for a while and your advice always hits the spot. I was wondering could you answer my query? It’s been heavy on my heart lately. I’d really love some comfort.

I lost my mom a month ago. Thought my closest friend to my heart would be around but she abandoned me a week later. At first, she was so supportive but then she disappeared. No text no nothing, not even asking how I am. Naturally, it hurt. I didn’t say anything to her about it since she’s not obligated to give me her time. This past week she texted saying she wanted to drop by to see me. I said ok. She acted like nothing happened and spent the time talking about herself. Even asked if she could borrow a dress for her brothers’ engagement. What do I do, Chereen? I’m hurting so bad because I was there for her in her ups and downs even though she’s never really heard me. It’s always been her that’s focused on. I’m so independent when it comes to dealing with things, yet I needed the support from her. How do I get over this?

Regards,

J

Dear Friend,

Firstly, may God have mercy on your mother’s soul and grant her paradise.

From past experience, I can tell you that nobody will grieve like the griever. Life moves on so much more quickly for the outsider, especially if they haven’t lost a loved one or dealt with it correctly. I say correctly because I mean it is possible, they avoided their emotions or didn’t confront how they felt in order to get through the loss.

Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is not easy. However, it also seems like you’re grieving the loss of a friend that disappointed you with her actions. People say not to have expectations, but expectations are inevitable. I say have expectations but know that you have to be in control of your expectations if a person fails to meet them. It seems that you considered her a best friend and she didn’t come through. If a person is a best friend, then they are expected to be supportive and present. You have a right to feel hurt and let down, because it doesn’t seem as though she has been there for you when you truly needed her the most.

Friends will never be perfect because nobody is perfect, but it’s okay to want things out of a friend. After all, it is a relationship that takes two sides to continue. Do you see that happening with this friend of yours? Maybe you’re on different levels; it could be time for you to look around you and see who might be on your level when it comes to friendship and empathy.

I want you to know that you do deserve support, especially right now. You deserve to have people that are understanding of your pain and there for you. It’s okay to desire that. Remember that you’re worthy of it, and those that value you will understand that.

While she might have things going on in her life, it’s also important for her to prioritize your friendship during this time. If you feel like talking to her will do more damage than good, then focus your energy on your healing and accept the love of those who truly appreciate you. You don’t need bad vibes right now. What you need is support and love.

Maybe this loss was an eye opener to how your relationship has always been. And maybe you were okay with always being the giver before and her always being the receiver. But right now, you need to be given and if she can’t do that, then it could be time to simply walk forward, and let God give you the best.

Don’t ever think you’re not deserving of someone’s time, my dear. Grief is difficult, but with time it will get easier. Focus on your healing, and only accept good vibes from supportive people.

Sincerely,

Chereen