Written by: Khadeja
When I first lost my mother, every other thought that passed through my mind was of her. Each thought then was followed with a prayer begging God to forgive her sins and give her mercy. I created my own rituals that all revolved around the remembrance of her and trying to do my part as a daughter to ensure that I somehow looked after her with my prayers.
As time went on, I had to learn a new way of living. Suddenly there was a vital character missing from the screenplay of my life. I felt lost and took comfort in praying for her. I feel like a part of me was buried with her. And I still had a hard time coping with her absence.
Four years later, it appears that I have entered a new stage of grief: Guilt. Life has taken me left, right and center, and I am, at 31, suddenly trying to find myself. While I have gotten used to the feeling of loss, and created a new life in a new country away from all my family, I have found myself forgetting. Not necessarily forgetting about my mother, but forgetting to include her in my prayers. This fills me with deep feelings of guilt and resentment at my own selfishness. I remind myself of the hadith that mentions how the prayer of a pious child can add to the good deeds of their deceased parents, and then I am full of even more guilt and regret. Am I that terrible of a daughter to forget to pray for my mother, the woman who did so much for me in my life? I still carry her influence with me. Most of the things that I do–especially in a social context–are because of my upbringing.
I wonder sometimes if she is sad because of my shortcomings towards her. My heart breaks at the mere thought of that; she went through so much during her life that I hope that she is finally at peace. I panic slightly and say a few prayers to try to compensate.
I have allowed myself to get distracted by this world and its illusions and I truly hope that my mother will forgive me for not holding up my end of our relationship. Whilst I forget to pray for you sometimes Mama, I will never forget you.