Outside Looking in: Forgive me

This is the first in Chereen’s Outside Looking In series. Stay tuned for more to come in this vein of reflection!

Written by: Chereen

I saw you sitting at your desk in the middle of the night, writing letters with no destination. The darkness in your heart was soon filled with light. You wrote words with the tip of your fingers as you yelled to relieve your pain.

You said, “Forgive me.”

“Forgive me for no longer caring, for taking back the piece of my heart that I no longer thought you deserved to share. When I gave it to you, I thought you would keep the ‘Caution’ sign on it, but you ripped it off and started tearing my heart apart.

So I did what a normal person would do: I took what was mine. You left me so confused. For as long as I can remember, I gave you the shovel that allowed you to dig. And so you dug out pieces of me, like my smile and everything that made me happy. The more that you took, the more that I thought I needed you. And so I stopped praying, and to you I entrusted myself. Without you, I was lost; I heavily relied on you.

I turned the corner one day as I started to walk further away from you, and I found the pieces of me that you took. You threw them away. Never had I ever felt so used and abused. Everything made sense, and I was no longer confused. If I was left feeling empty, it was because I never needed you. So I took back my pieces, and I gave them all the love they needed. For once, I valued myself. Then, I said bye to you. I chose you over God, and it will forever be my mistake. Luckily, He offers forgiveness. The closer to Him I get, the less I care about you.

I want you to forgive me for no longer caring about you, for taking back what is mine. For choosing to forget you. Because it’s 4am in the morning and the light is back in my heart. I no longer go to bed at this hour with tears streaming down my face. I wake up with a sense of appreciation. God gave me my closure the moment I turned to Him and stopped caring about you.”