Pt.3: Overly hopeful

Written by: Chereen

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Dear Diary,

It’s 12 am, and I’m chugging a Capri Sun that’s been in the fridge and will definitely affect my throat tomorrow. I finish it, all the while staring at the wall and reflecting upon a thought. I could totally go to sleep right now, but I like zoning out and tuning into a different moment in time. It feels like time travel, but it’s simply just mind travel.

Back when I got the diagnosis of Mama’s cancer, I spoke to her on the phone and she could hear my voice shaking. The tears were begging to unleash themselves, but I had to hold it together. My Mama is the definition of a strong and independent woman that will do what it takes to hold the fort down.

Simply amazing.

She consoled me because she knew my mind was racing into the future, and it was looking to embrace the negative. “Chereen there are so many advances now. I could live for two to fifty more years.” I muted the phone and broke down.

Two years was not going to cut it. No. Absolutely not okay. What could I do to help her? How can I get her through this? Yes, I’ll pray. But I need her to mentally be there too.

My sister’s words telling me we need to strengthen her began to blare like a microphone in my mind. I hit the un-mute button and went into therapist mode.

“You will get through this. We’re here for you. I have faith in God, and God is Great.”

I sensed relief on her end. I would be overly hopeful in a broad sense. I would hope that whatever happened to my mom was for the best, because God was looking after her.

I reflect upon it now and realize I challenged this thought at times. My anxiety skyrocketed every now and then. My phone was super glued to me. I would call her phone twenty plus times only to have her call me back and tell me she was taking a nap or in the shower. I became a guru in being an overbearing daughter. But I forced myself to snap back to this thought and that kept me going.

And maybe that’s the key to keeping sane during such a critical and challenging time. To force yourself to challenge the negative thinking that could lead you to alleyways of despair.

I became overly hopeful.

When I felt like I was heading down the wrong alley of thoughts, I would reverse and go into overdrive. Talk about a plethora of emotions. This wasn’t about me, this was about Mama and her emotional needs. The emotional affects the physical, and if every positive thought or reflection that touched her could help add a minute to her life, then I would be that person.

And although my cup was empty many times and my stress level was between standby and taking off, hope came from God. And that kind of hope was limitless.

I soon learned that she sensed everything to the extreme thanks to chemo, and maybe that in itself was a blessing in disguise. It was an opportunity to help her deeply feel hope, faith, and the amount of love we had for her. She needed it, but we needed her more.

A little bit of positively overly everything soon began to take over, but maybe that’s just what we were in need of to survive.

Sincerely,

Chereen