Q+A: Hurt and feeling used

Written by: Chereen

Dear Chereen,

I’m a 20-year-old med student abroad, I met this guy through uni before I even got here, and he seemed perfect and promised to marry me. Even got me a promise ring 1st time we met, and I stupidly fell for him. Once at uni we got intimate and then he left me for his ex because she had gone through an abortion, and his parents found out and wanted him to own up.

I was left scarred and tainted because I had done everything with him with the thought that I’d marry him. He broke up and we got back together, didn’t last 2 weeks before he left me for good saying I was a distraction to his studies.

I found out I got pregnant and went through a miscarriage down the line. He saw my messages and didn’t get back to me until we were back at uni and then he got his friends to pick me up and talk with him altogether.

I felt humiliated because he didn’t believe me and all this time I loved him as the first and last man I’d be with. But after that I’ve been broken and humiliated I feel ashamed to pray.

Dear Friend,

My unprofessional advice would be to tell you that he’s quite talented at being a jerk, is irresponsible, doesn’t know how to man up, and needs to grow up before he can commit to anyone.

Since that’s out of the way, using the excuse that you’re a distraction to his studies is not right, and it appears to be a way of him escaping from the relationship. The biggest sign that he isn’t interested in committing to anything serious is the example of how he treated his ex. He was intimate with her, got her pregnant, she had an abortion, he went back to her, and then left her two weeks later. This shows you that he isn’t serious or mature enough to own up to his actions and consequences.

Aside from this, he repeated similar to you and didn’t even believe you. For a relationship to be successful, there must be trust and respect. Clearly, he knows neither.

You’re heartbroken, and it’s completely understandable. I get the vibe that you feel used and treated as if you were worthless. You also feel deceived and it’s probably as if a large piece of your heart was taken from you. It makes sense to feel this way, because what happened to you was incredibly hurtful.

But the good thing is that you found out now. The guilt means that you have a good conscience, and that guilt is guiding you to pray. As long as you are given time, then you have the opportunity to pray and heal.

Be gentle on yourself. Take this as an opportunity to start fresh. Pick up your pieces. Don’t allow him in again, because there’s an incredibly large possibility that he will hurt you more.

Don’t feel ashamed to pray. Everyone makes mistakes, that’s why repentance exists. There are so many things I love about God, but one of my favorite things is that His name is “Al-Raheem” “The Most Merciful.”

Healing will take time, so be easy on yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Pray, pray, and pray some more. If you do feel any onset of trauma or depression, speak to your university psychologist. Do what it takes to heal your heart.

But please, whatever you do, make sure to keep walking forward. Even if you’re walking slowly, don’t turn around. He’s a part of the past, and you’re in the present walking towards the future. It will get better with time and patience. ❤️