Reclaiming Rock Bottom

Written by: Marissa

I remember rock bottom and the coldness that seeped into my life while I was there. I remember sleeping next to the face of loneliness. As the sun rose in the morning hours, loneliness hugged me in its loveless grip, accompanied by a saddening pain penetrating from an unfamiliar embrace. I recalled this untethered misery flooding my veins during peak hours of brightness. This sadness, this grip, and this coldness started and ended my days, topped off with endless self pity. Despite the salutations of the sun, I was briefly blind to its light. Loneliness refused to be touched by the events of everyday life. Rather, it delighted in stagnant darkness. In retrospect, rather than living, being rock bottom puts you in a place of dull repetition. This tasteless pattern was essential for pushing forward in daily mundane routines.

Experiencing rock bottom is a place for a new, unwritten chapter. I learned during my mindfulness training that appreciation starts to build when the things we cherish most are taken away. Loneliness is a perfect gateway into appreciation. I had to lose almost everything in order to reclaim my life. I had to lose a handful of friends. I had to lose my ability to see my own beauty; inwardly and outwardly. Most importantly, I had to lose myself completely to start the search from within.

I turned to the mirror in my bedroom. I looked at myself from top to bottom. I was colorless, frail, and close to tears. I was in a home unfamiliar to my childhood. My heart was scattered into a million pieces; remaining only in places of past happiness. I was starving for affection, for love, and for the food I had deprived myself of over time. In a state of desperation, I began to pray. I prayed for inner peace. I prayed for this confusion to leave my mind. I prayed to remember what happiness felt like again. Everyone finds God in different ways, and that night, I found him in my reflection.

He spoke through my heart through words of clarity; “I have given you this body, and this is what you have chosen to do with it? If this was someone you loved, would you treat them like this? You are depriving yourself of everything Earth gives you and those who love you give you. Reclaim rock bottom and spiral up.”

Spiral Up.

I started this process with the help of guidance. My mother told me to pull strength from within when life becomes overbearing. Becoming caught up in your troubles is the key in developing a dogmatic view towards life. Your focus is completely derailed from everything good surrounding you. Blessings become forgotten and you are trapped in a state of lack. Looking outwardly for strength, I took the words of my mother and pulled from within.

The beginning of spiraling up was self love. Self love was the key to getting out of my rut. If you look at the teachings of every great spiritual leader, they will all tell you self love is the key to freedom. I sat in meditation and silently agreed I would treat my body like a loved one. I started the process in baby steps. Change does not come suddenly, but love has the power to conquer whatever darkness cannot reach. I decided to make change to everything hopeless in my life. In essence, my desire to change was my hope.

The “self love spiral” began with disowning comparison to everyone else. My body was MY body and not meant to be mimicked. I reclaimed it as my own and as a masterpiece for this life. I have learned comparison will make you strive for a perfection that is nonexistent. Everyone has the ability to be their own type of “perfect,” but it comes with following your individual integrity. I nourished my spirit with prayer and silent meditation. This process was healing and something between God and myself. Our unspoken language was helping me heal piece by piece on a daily basis. Bodily nourishment came with food from the earth (what most consider “plant-based” ). Mother Earth always has enough to give her children. I was rebuilding my body health-wise by feeding it her food. Plant-based food was using the abundance from the source for wholesome nourishment. I finally felt carried by something other than my sadness. In small steps, I began trusting the earth, the universe, and God towards my own light.

Rock bottom was a tool in rebuilding everything that was familiar. The healing came when I allowed myself to heal on my own. The process illustrated what God wanted me to see within myself. If I could see the beauty within myself, I could shine through anything.

I wrote this to let you know rock bottom is not an eternal commitment. We are never stuck in something for overwhelming periods of time. If you look at rock bottom as a blessing, you will find a road into your journey of healing.

Forgive yourself on the days when you are not kind. Forgiveness and strength come with time. Rebuilding friendships comes with strength and forgiveness. When you become kind to yourself, people will gravitate back to you. If they do not seek re-entrance, it leaves new space for someone else. Like everything in life, people come and go. Forgive them and keep pushing towards your journey of healing. Celebrate those who will hold your hand through your struggles. These people are blessings towards your healing process.

Rock bottom does not have to be a place of darkness. Reclaim rock bottom as your own territory. In the midst of its darkness, be the one to set a candle on its foundation. Let this candle be the guiding light to your next life change. And always, always, always spiral up!