Seeing the light

Written by: Zeina

We have this saying in Arabic, “I can’t see the light in front of me.” Lately, my depression has made me feel this way. Most days I wake up unable to imagine a future, let alone see myself accomplish any short-term goals I’ve set for myself. Maybe it was because I was lacking in faith, or maybe mentally I couldn’t withstand this world anymore. I took a break, flew to Palestine, took off my hijab–which was something I’d been wanting to do for a long time–and quit my job 2 weeks in. It was a mental break combined with a spiritual journey, the breath of fresh air I had desperately needed. But then I came back to America, to reality, to a deeper state of depression. This time, I was unemployed. My spiritual journey had reminded of how temporary everything was. Happiness, sadness, despair and joy, all pages from the book of life, none of which we can control–none of which will be forever.

It wasn’t my fault that I was obsessed with making everything the way I wanted it to be. Mentally, I was frustrated and tired. It wasn’t my fault that I was doubting God’s plan for me. At the same time that I was doubting, I was learning. I learned that I have no control over anything. That what comes and what goes is what God has willed. It didn’t make it easier to be less depressed, but slowly things became clear. It made it easier for me to be less attached to things and people. It made it easier to be less hurt and to accept that there was a plan for me. I love God and God loves me and I have no doubt that the plan is always for my best interest. I still can’t see the light in front of me, but at least I now know the steps to turn it back on.