Seeking

Written by: Khadeja

I was 27 when I lost her. That’s not exactly young, but you always need your mother, regardless of your age. If anything, you need her more as you grow older. As an adult, you can take care of yourself just fine, but your mom is your pillar of support. It’s hard to keep a structure standing strong without a pillar.

Right after her passing, I pulled away from any and all of the older females in my life who wanted nothing but for me to grasp onto their outreached hands. Instead, I curled up into the fetal position and totally ignored them. I felt a need to prove–to the world? To myself?–that I could do it. That I could live my life just fine on my own and rely on myself rather than latch onto someone else. And I did. I am actually continuously doing that right now. But what I have noticed is that I have never stopped seeking.

I am constantly comparing any older woman to my late mother. I project all of these expectations onto people who at the end of the day are unaware of what I ‘need,’ purely because my mother would know exactly what I need. But in reality, the only common factor between my mother and the older women in my life is gender.

One day, I hope to stop seeking and fully embrace my reality. God created only one mother for me; it is not a mold that I can force onto anyone.

But for now, I keep on seeking…..